Posted Oct 7, 2007
My husband and I have been together for
the seven years and were married almost three years
ago. We have been trying to have a child for close to
In the past I did not always do things the way that
I should have. When I was fifteen I had an abortion
knowing that it was a mistake for me to have a child
at that time and also knowing that I was too weak to
carry the child to term and give him/her up for adoption.
I have never recovered from what I did and live with
it everyday. At twenty I again got pregnant, I guess
I wasn't as careful as I should have been right from
the beginning. This time I had a beautiful little girl.
She is light of my husbands' and my life. She is now
nine years old. However, he adopted her and though he
loves her as his own he would love to have a biological
child. There is nothing more that I want for myself
or him. I love children more than I ever thought that
I would. They are the centre of my world. Even my daughters'
friends mean so much to me.
Now we have been trying for so long and there has been
no results. I have taken clomid for six months and nothing.
Everyone says that it is stress but they don't understand
what it is like. I feel like my heart is being ripped
out every month. I took for granted that it would never
be difficult to have another child because in the past
it was so easy. I have learned to take nothing for granted.
I feel responsible because I had the abortion and in
some ways I guess that God is punishing me. However,
he could never punish me more than I have already punished
myself. I feel like I am letting my husband down too.
After all of the testing we have been told that it
is unexplained infertility. I think it would be easier
if they told us there was a problem. Then maybe it could
be fixed. In less than a week I start the drugs to get
the IVF cycle
going. If it doesn't work out I know that I will be
destroyed. I should find out the results within a day
or two of my 30th birthday. I pray everyday that I get
the only gift I have prayed for in years. I also pray
for all of the people who have tried to have a baby
and failed, all the people like me who are still trying
and thank God for all of you who were able to concieve.