posted March 22, 2007
As long as I can remember all I have ever wanted to
do is be a mother. I married my husband when I was 23
and he was 33. The day after the wedding I stopped taking
my birth control pills. I figured it would take 3 months
or so to get pregnant, but I was elated when 6 weeks
after stopping the pill I still hadn't had a period.
I just knew I had to be pregnant!
As I sat in my Gyn's office a nurse came in and said
very cheerfully "Congratulations, you're NOT pregnant!"
I was so confused and couldn't help crying. She said
she thought I was so young and would be happy to not
be pregnant. Anyway, so I took Provera to induce a period
and then waited, nothing. My gyn gave me Clomid, I took
it and again waited. Three failed cycles of Provera
and Clomid later he said I had PCOS.
He gave me metformin and sent me to a Reproductive Endo.
He started me out on Avandia in addition to the Metformin
and told me to use birth control for 3 months. We then
started on the Clomid again, 50mgs--nothing, 100mgs,
nothing, 150mgs--nothing, finally at 250mgs I ovulated.
I faithfully charted my BBT and cervical mucus. I took
OPK's twice daily for weeks on end. We had intercourse
on all the right days and still nothing. Then the RE
tested my husband and found that his count was too low
and motility was also very low.
I had an HSG done, all clear, and then we started IUI.
We've had 2 failed IUI cycles with Clomid so far. Now
they have added dexamethasone to the Clomid and we have
1 last shot at IUI before we have to consider IVF.
And IVF is not financially possible for us so I guess
that means our journey is nearly over. Emotionally this
is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Each
year on my wedding anniversary I don't feel happy to
be married for so many years, but I feel like I have
failed as a woman and wife for that many years. The
realization that I will probably never hold my newborn
baby in my arms pains me every day. I am slowly coming
to terms with my situation, but I still grieve. I grieve
for a child that I will never have and yet at the same
time I still hope and pray.