1, 2005 in response to Tanya's
I understand how your husband feels from
a woman’s point of view! My husband and I had
gone through 3 IUI’s, 1 incomplete IVF, and 4
additional IVF cycles and finally decided (with Dr.’s
recommendation) to use a donor egg. This decision was
not made easily by either of us.
Now after 3 years of trying all these
other treatments on our first try with donor egg, I
am 5 ½ months pregnant with a boy! It was harder
on me than it was on my husband to accept the fact that
this child is not mine biologically. We already have
a wonderful biological 5 yr. old son and had a hard
time believing I could love “someone else’s”
child the same as my own biological child. I also found
myself feeling jealous of my husband who is able to
be the biological parent. I wanted that connection too.
Even during the early stages of my pregnancy,
I couldn’t get really excited about being pregnant.
(Talk about mixed emotions of guilt and shame.) But
now the baby is kicking and moving like crazy and I
find myself getting more and more excited. My 5 year
old son is feeling my growing stomach and thinks it’s
great that every time he does it, it makes the baby
kick me (of course he can’t feel it yet). I’m
finding myself anticipating the arrival and can’t
wait to see his little face.
I guess from my experience, all I can tell you is not
to dismiss or devalidate your husbands feelings. It
can cause a great deal of resentment and damage to your
relationship. The fact is you are not starting out on
an “even playing field” if you go with any
kind of biological donation. If you were adopting, neither
one of you would have a biological connection. Therefore
you would be on an “even playing field”
so to speak!
And in the end, whatever decision you both make. Remember
it takes more than sperm to make a daddy!!!
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