Posted May 16, 2006, Updated
Aug 18, 2006
I have just finished reading such inspirational stories and in doing so I have finally decided to tell my story.
I grew up in a very abusive household. I was beaten and raped through my earliest days and very rarely was I protected and loved. In my teenage years I put myself in situations where I ended up being raped and hurt all over again. No matter how many beatings and how many hurtful things have happened to me I picked myself up and I went on with life. I rarely had safe sex in any relationship due to self hate and the fact that I have never been pregnant never worried me until now.
I have been with my fiance' for 4 years. I love him
with all my heart and I have finally found someone who
will love me and protect me. It wasnt until I wanted
to have his baby did I think I was infertile. I had
a laparoscopy last year, as the doctors wanted to check
if I had endometriosis or scar tissue, as my periods
had always been irregular. They found I had slightly
clubbed tubes - only mildly - and a
5cm cyst on my left ovary and for some reason I
wasnt ovulating. I have never been so scared in my whole
The cyst started to reduce and I was told I could
start taking a drug called clomiphene. I did this and
now I have a 5cm and a 4cm cyst on my left ovary. I
find out in 6 weeks if I need another laparoscopy to
drain them. We have been accepted to have IVF
and will start this once my cysts have cleared.
I desperately hope it will work. With all I have been through in my life I need this to work, I deserve this to work. I want the chance to love and protect my child. It hurts so much that I may never and I cant accept that, I will never accept that. My mother and my friends always say dont worry it will happen if I can do it you can do it, you probly are not getting pregnant because your stressed......bla bla bla. They don't understand a thing they don't realise how serious this is. They dont understand how much I feel different to every women out there, I feel like I'm not a whole person. It's harder when my friends get pregnant and I have to act joyful. I am happy, but the question killing me inside is, "Why not me?". It's hard when I know my partner is fertile and I may not be able to give him a child. He says that's ok - he loves me for me and he would be happy with just me, but I still feel guilty. I can only keep my fingers crossed and keep breathing and hoping that maybe one day whoever runs the show above will give me a break.
I guess I wanted to write this so I could get a load of my chest and hopefully find a friend to help me through this because at the moment my partner is the only one who understands but even then I need female support too. To all of you women trying and hoping and praying I wish you luck I wish you hope and I wish you all the beautiful children you so much deserve. Thank you for hearing me.
Update from August 18, 2006
Well I found out my cyst is just that
- a cyst - I don't have polycystic
syndrom, and I found out my cysts on my left ovary
had gone. I have a 6cm
cyst on my right now but I am 5 days into my first IVF
cycle, they are going
to drain it closer to my FSH injections ..... so heres
hoping it works.
Update from Oct 20, 2006
The IVF cycle
went well up until egg
collection when they didn't get any eggs from my
ovaries. The dr said my follicles were too large due
to slow initial response to my ovaries as I only had
about 8 follicles and had dissolved my eggs after trigger
injection was done.
Apparently the next time we go through
the cycle again in January coming they are going to
give me a bigger dose of FSH hormones so I produce more
eggs and they will monitor and scan me more often. I
guess it was a learning curve and I am hoping the next
one we have a better outcome, I am a bit depressed as
6 days after our failed IVF my partner's brother told
us they were expecting their first child. It broke my
heart and we are not speaking with them at the moment,
I just feel so hurt and so betrayed, I know i'ts silly
but I cant help the way I feel. The baby they have will
remind me of my failure.