My husband played around with idea of
starting a family in 1997 so in 1999 I had quit taking
my birth control pills. After a few months I decided
to go to an OBGYN just to check everything out. I knew
that it was common to take several months to get pregnant.
My doctor immediately said "We need to see your
husband." They ran some tests on me and determined
that everything was fine, then they received the results
from my husband's test. And the conclusion was that
we needed to seek an infertility doctor.
We went to the infertility clinic and they explained
the different procedures that they offer but they wanted
to run their own test on my husband to determine the
correct course of action. It was determined that we
would need to do IVF
and that "it's no big deal we will get you pregnant
no problem". We of course were stunned as we were
starting out where most end up but felt confident in
For several different reasons we waited a year to begin
the treatment. We did our first IVF in Feb. 2000, the
first one failed because the sperm could not penetrate
the eggs and they were not prepared for that. So now
we needed to pursue the ICSI
treatment. Once again we felt confident that the
doctor knew what he was doing and he made it sound simple
enough that we did again right away. The 2nd attempt
was a failure as well.
My husband who at that time was a fisherman in Alaska,
had left just as we received the results for the 2nd
IVF and would not be home for several months. So we
put it on the back burner, when he returned in the fall
we decided to take our files and go to another clinic.
They basically said that they couldn't improve the chances
and would probably increase the medications to increase
the egg production.
As you are well aware it is very hard
on a marriage and the focus on having a child becomes
so intense that it is very difficult to get past no
matter how much you may want to. It is almost like an
addiction and I kept waiting for someone to stop me.
I was fortunate in many ways that we
actually knew several couples who had had infertility
problems so we didn't feel quite so alone. However,
they were also all successful in having children.
I was so torn between not wanting to go thru the physical
and mental atrocities that went along with yet another
IVF cycle, that I finally broke down and told my husband
that I did not want to do it again. But that I was so
afraid that the underlying resentment in whatever form
it might take would end our marriage. I had watched
family members do the roller coaster ride of adoption
and just couldn't bring myself to that place, not when
I was healthy enough to have a child.
My husband at first was hurt and a bit angry, but he
talked to the doctor and gave it a lot of thought. Finally
he came to the conclusion that maybe there was a reason
that this was happening. We also were seeing a pattern
on the paternal side of the family so we were concerned
that if it were a boy that it could be passed on as
well. The question (jokingly) became do we set up a
college fund and an infertility fund?
We opted to try the DI program and unfortunately or
maybe fortunately we were limited to donors due to my
blood type. We also found that it was much, much less
expensive -- although the ups and downs were definitely
more on-going because you did it every month. Finally
on our 4th try we were successful and the following
year we had a healthy beautiful boy. The most amazing
thing was how my son immediately recognized his father's
My son is now 3 and dearly loves his father. I laugh
at how many people say how much they look alike and
that his mannerisms are just like his fathers'. My husband
is 6"3 with light brown/blonde hair and blue eyes,
my son is very short with a head full of dark hair and
When I was pregnant I remember thinking that I would
need to be the one who was responsible for this child,
sort of like talking your parents into a dog. I didn't
want to burden my husband with him because I just didn't
know how he would feel. Thank goodness I was wrong,
my husband is an incredible caregiver and father. Actually
better than a lot of biological fathers that I know.
I believe that when the time is right we will tell our
son. I am very proud of my husband and hope that my
son feels the same way when that time comes. Neither
of us is ashamed or embarrased, this was apparently
the way it was meant to be. We love our son very much
and can hope that that is enough for him.