Posted October 10, 2005
My husband and I were married 7 years
ago. That is pretty much when our heartache began. We
decided that I would get off of the pill right after
we were married. Me being 19 years old I thought we
wouldn't have any problems getting pregnant.
After about a year of not getting pregnant
I decided to talk to my gyno. He immediately suggested
that my husband see a urologist. We thought that was
odd, because we always thought they checked the woman
first. So we went to the doctor and they ordered a semen
analysis. It came back showing that there was no
sperm. Not low sperm but NO sperm. That crushed my world.
They ordered another semen analysis. Again,
nothing. The doctor suggested my husband have a biopsy
of his testicles to see if he had any sperm at all.
The test showed that he did have sperm but he didn't
have a vas deferens*, which is pretty crucial to having
a baby. The urologist told us about IVF
and some doctors that he knew of.
We knew that IVF
was very expensive so we had to wait until we could
come up with the money. Of course our insurance doesn't
help with infertility. Then a lady that my husband works
with saw an article on the news about a foundation that
helps people with the cost of IVF. They had a few specifications.
You could not have a child together, never have done
IVF before and have a combined income of less than $50,000.
I was really excited... then I found out that they could
only help 4 couples that year. I decided to write a
letter to them anyway.
About 4 months later my husband called
me from work to tell me that the foundation had chosen
us! I immediately started crying and went straight to
his work. When I got there he was crying also. The amazing
thing was that I didn't leave our number in the letter
so they had been trying to get a hold of us for a while.
The doctor eventually called our urologist to get our
number. We almost missed our opportunity!
So my husband had to have his sperm aspirated
with a needle. They confirmed that the sperm at that
time looked good. We froze it until it was time to go.
We went to all of our appointments, I received all of
my shots, went through a very painful retreival and
unfortunately we only had two out of 15 eggs to fertilize.
I was prepared to have a negative pregnancy test. I
didn't take an at home test because I thought I knew
the results. When the nurse came in and told me congrats
I was floored -- along with my mom and my aunt who were
there with me. We all started to cry, even the nurse.
Finally, I was going to have a baby!
The next 14 weeks or so I was on cloud
nine. No sickness. I started feeling the baby flutter
around 18 weeks. I was so thrilled to be in the bliss
of motherhood. My mom and I would buy something every
time we went to Wal-Mart. This was my parents' first
grandchild. We had actually furnished the nursery. It
was done. We left hardly anything for anyone to buy
for the baby shower.
We were very excited to find out the sex
of the baby at 20 weeks. We went into the room for the
ultrasound and she couldn't find the genitals. She went
on to measure the limbs and the head. When the doctor
came in to do his evaluation he asked if I was 18 weeks.
I explained that I was 20 weeks. Next thing I knew he
was ordering I go on bedrest and that there was something
wrong with my baby. I broke down at that point. They
scheduled an emergency amniocentisis. They wanted to
monitor the baby for the next couple of days to see
if it was going to grow. I had the amnio done and a
couple of days later they called to tell us that it
was a normal boy. I was ecstatic because I thought that
meant that everything was fine.
Unfortunately, they called a few more
days later to tell me that he was diagnosed with Wolfe
Hirschorne (Wolf-Hirschhorn or 4P) syndrome. They
had also found a heart defect in the ultrasound, a small
or missing kidney and a clubbed foot. All I could do
is ask why this was happening to me?
We were given a couple of choices. Go
through with the pregnancy knowing there were lots of
things wrong with the baby and that possibly he wouldn't
even make it to full term, which puts my life at risk,
or terminating the pregnancy. There was one additional
catch - we had to make a decision quick. I was going
on 22 weeks and in the state we live in they have a
deadline on termination.
We went to see a genetic counselor. She
had statistics and pictures of children with this specific
syndrome. My heart was so broken. 90% of these children
could not eat or walk on their own. They were also moderate
to severely mentally handicapped. I was devastated.
I had already felt this little life inside me and now
I was faced with this decision. Luckily, I had a great
support system - family and friends and even all of
the doctors. My husband ultimately decided to give him
as an angel, knowing that he would always be taken care
of. They scheduled it right away. I went into the hospital
very early on a Friday. I was a mess. They almost had
to carry me into the room.
When I woke up I had quite a bit of bleeding
but everything else was fine. I went home shortly after
that. When I went home I ate some soup and went to bed.
My husband went to lay down with me. I woke him a couple
hours later because it hurt to try to roll over on my
side. I was having a hard time breathing. My husband
called the doctor and he said to watch me for a while.
We had to call him back immediately, things were not
looking good. He told my husbad to call 911. I ended
up in the hospital for 3 days due to a perforated uterus.
They had to give me 4 units of blood and make sure my
bladder hadn't been damaged. Luckily everything turned
out to be okay.
Over the next couple of weeks I cried
all day, every day. I really didn't think I was going
to recover from such heartache. I just kept telling
myself that God needed him more than we did. I went
to a thing called A
Walk to Remember*. It is a healing program for people
who have lost babies. It really does help.
The foundation helped us one more time
which was a failure. We also tried one more time on
our own which was also a failure.
So here we are. I am now 26 years old
and no baby. We have spent more money than we have so
we can only do so much. We are going to try IUI.
Hopefully we will have some good news for Christmas.
* Vas deferens - muscular
tubes through which the sperm is propelled during ejaculation.
* A Walk to Remember,
held during October, honors those babies who have died
thorough miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth,
or newborn death. To find out more, see the Events page
on the National
SHARE Organization website.